Narcissism is a well documented personality disorder.  

Referring to someone as a narcissist seems to be thrown around a lot lately, so I’m passing on these notes to clarify what exactly being a narcissist means.  

 Narcissism is a condition in which a brain functions.  Narcissism is an actual thing that causes a lot of suffering, it’s not just a trendy word.  

Clinical definition of Narcissism, Mayo Clinic:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

Narcissistic personality disorder

Overview

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy (psychotherapy).

Symptoms

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

-Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
-Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
-Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
-Exaggerate achievements and talents
-Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
-Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
-Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
-Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
-Take advantage of others to get what they want
-Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
-Be envious of others and believe others envy them
-Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
-Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
-At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
-Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
-Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
-React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
-Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
-Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
-Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
-Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

When to see a doctor

People with narcissistic personality disorder may not want to think that anything could be wrong, so they may be unlikely to seek treatment. If they do seek treatment, it’s more likely to be for symptoms of depression, drug or alcohol use, or another mental health problem. But perceived insults to self-esteem may make it difficult to accept and follow through with treatment.

If you recognize aspects of your personality that are common to narcissistic personality disorder or you’re feeling overwhelmed by sadness, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable.

Causes

It’s not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with personality development and with other mental health disorders, the cause of narcissistic personality disorder is likely complex. Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:

Environment ― mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive adoration or excessive criticism that is poorly attuned to the child’s experience
Genetics ― inherited characteristics
Neurobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking

Risk factors

Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Keep in mind that, although some children may show traits of narcissism, this may simply be typical of their age and doesn’t mean they’ll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.

Although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn’t known, some researchers think that in biologically vulnerable children, parenting styles that are overprotective or neglectful may have an impact. Genetics and neurobiology also may play a role in development of narcissistic personality disorder.

Complications

Complications of narcissistic personality disorder, and other conditions that can occur along with it, can include:

-Relationship difficulties
-Problems at work or school
-Depression and anxiety
-Physical health problems
-Drug or alcohol misuse
-Suicidal thoughts or behavior

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When you have a narcissist in your life, it can feel as though you are trapped in a maze; confused, and can’t get out.  There are so many complex elements to relating to a narcissist, but what I can speak of from my experience is the overwhelming feelings that I have had to work through of being controlled, silenced, demeaned, devalued, afraid, going crazy, loved and hated at the same time, etc, etc, etc!

One thing I wanted to hone in on in this article is, Silence from a Narcissist.  Silence is the ultimate form of gaslighting in my opinion.  To keep this a clear read, I have written this out much like a list/study format, rather than conversational, as it’s a lot of info to process.  Also, these words are not my brilliance, but the result of study from scholars interlaced with knowledge from my own pool of scholars who have helped me through this particular labyrinth.  I’m a messenger with a story to tell.  

WHY DO NARCISSISTS GO SILENT

When a Narcissist is threatened, silence is the defense mechanism used in order that the other party would retrace steps.

Silence shows extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that her or she is ignored and becomes more or less non-existent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

Silence is a form of emotional abuse

Silence places the narcissist in a position of control

Silence usurps the target’s attempt at assertion.

Silence avoids personal responsibility

Silence is a tool used to punish the target for a perceived ego.

Bottom line on silence:

Narcissists use silence to cause a reaction from the target to reinforce their sense of control.  For the average human, this is one hundred percent crazy-making.  Being ignored, again in my opinion, is the ultimate and most sinister form of Gaslighting.  Studies show that silence of one perceived to be in power-over during a crisis, problem, conflict, etc is often times more traumatic for the other party than the actual trauma itself.  Silence causes the other party to turn inward on themselves, taking the responsibility off of the narcissist.

Wait. So who are these creepy people?

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes.  The outwardly most kind, generous, happy people can in fact be the most narcissistic of all.  Narcissists project the image that they want others to perceive them as.  They will often project that they are ah-ma-zing, and they will in fact BE amazing to some, while being awful to others.  It depends on where on the control spectrum the narcissist needs to have you.  For instance, it could be a church leader.  To you, the follower, they may be tyrannical, irrational, have an over inflated sense of self, operate in a sense that they are above the law, be unkind, etc.  Meanwhile, to others that they want to be in ‘favor’ or good graces with (usually other people of influence, or people who can get them to where they want to go), they can be the most tender, generous, fun, self sacrificing, doting, measured, gracious people around.  If it is a person that they want money from (common in Christendom), the narcissist will always put their best self forward as the image in order to gain fellowship.  This Jekyll and Hyde experience is typical, yet for those victimized by a narcissist, it can feel lonely and again, crazy making.

Common narratives of the victims are ‘am I the only one seeing this?’  How to identify a narcissist?  Keep on reading.   Then, if any of the feelings below ring true, you might be on to something.  If you struggle articulating feelings, circle back to the definition above and see who comes to mind.  Narcissists can be employers, spiritual leaders (great role to hide in for a narcissist), parent, spouse, friend, etc.  

How to deal

Understand that narcissists do not have the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity and compromise. Silent treatment (as said above) is a form of emotional abuse. Absence of communication shouldn’t be tolerated and is a sign that it is necessary to move on.  It is tempting to want to have a conversation, address issues, etc, but please be aware that due to a major lack of empathy, the conversation will likely being hugely invalidating, possibly gaslighting, or even emotionally dangerous.  My advice, if having a convo with a narcissist in order to ‘address’ something: go with eyes wide open.  Have your boundaried-one liners ingrained in your brain and be prepared to hold that line as tight as you can.  Narcissists are masters at manipulation and have a fantastic way of making you feel responsible for their indiscretions.   

You might need to move on from a relationship with a Narcissist. The healing process of moving on from a Narcissist feels like mourning the loss of a relationship that didn’t really exist. The relationship favored the narcissist by having their ego constantly puffed up.

If/When boundaries are put in place with a narcissist, the narcissist WILL deploy abuse tactics.  Things to expect when a narcissist loses control of a person they once had rule over:

Rage

Narcissists spend excessive amounts of time protecting themselves from who they really are or their own reality. Rage is fueled by the thought of them being exposed as weak or false.

They are convinced that they are perfect humans with no flaws, to acknowledge this as being untrue is a destabilizing fear,

When narcissist rage kicks in, they are not concerned with consequences.

Intimidation
Silent treatment
Backstabbing
Gaslighting
Orchestrating someone’s failure
Guilt tripping
Playing the role of victim by acting as if something is wrong in the hopes of getting attention,
Acting as if a problem doesn’t exist
Treating people close to them as if they have done something wrong but not telling them what they have done wrong.
Alienating themselves from family members.

Smear Campaigns

Narcissists will protect their reputation at all costs. Their fear is that their true nature would be uncovered by someone that they cannot control.

Narcissists will take information that they know and spread rumours as a self defense mode. This will happen through social media, texts, emails to let people know how abusive their target is. Everything they do to you they say, will say you do to them. They keep tabs on those they can’t control.

Disappearance

When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will get it from someone else. They disappear from your life. That may be in hopes of getting attention and ultimately have you beg them to re-enter the relationship.

Denial

When a narcissist is exposed, they will never admit that they are in the wrong no matter what evidence may be. They will lie to the extent that it will convince you the victim that you are wrong, and will cause you to question yourself (Gaslighting)

Baiting

They bait to get a rise. This is an intentional act of provoking an emotional reaction to confirm their power and superiority over you. Baiting looks like

-loving and devaluing you at the same time.
-Tarnishing your name in every area of life.

 

SUPER AWESOME, RIGHT?

 

Other tidbits on the Narcissist

-Emotional intelligence of a narcissist is akin to a 5 year old that is unable to share, who storms off and gives the silent treatment. This causes to other child to feel abandoned, and left in a position of confusion.

-If narcissists decide to give the target another chance, the narcissist will demand an apology first.

-Narcissists usually demand an apology when the other party attempts setting a limit or boundary.

-Narcissists sometimes end/abandon/discard relationships if the target offers a compromise, as compromising requires the narcissist to acknowledge wrongdoing on their part.

In closing, as I need to end this brain dump and I pray to God that it makes sense as this was written in the midnight hour post baby feeding…. Narcissism is a thing.  It’s a diagnosable personality disorder, widely recognized by mental health and health professionals and is not something to be ignored.  If you are in cahoots with a Narcissist, get some input.  Get some help.  Get a strategy.  This blog is a safe space, so if anyone needs to brain dump right on back, go for it.  I’m here for it to listen xo

 

Gotta go and feed the tribe.  Until next time.

 

Allison