Day Three: Humans I Listen To.
‘Everyone will have an opinion, not everyone gets a vote.’
-Bill Johnson
I heard this line a few years ago and it confronted me. I am a recovering people pleaser, puppet, jump when you say how high-er, compliant person. I know that some may not view me as this. I have always had a degree of ‘fiestiness’ within me. My dad says, ‘I get it honest.’ HOWEVER the absolute truth is that I (used to and still sometimes do) want to allow the bed covers to swallow me whole instead of run the risk of opposing another human. It’s the double edged sword of being a hugely empathetic, enneagram 4 who is super emotionally connected (so I am told). I used to hate the thought of anyone being upset with me, so much so that I would compromise my inward knowing for outward acceptance.
For me that could/can only last so long, as when that happens, it feels like a lightning storm was kicking off inside of me. The conflict between not being me and the need to be me. Several years ago when I really noticed this, I eventually found myself on a therapists couch. I decided to do the hard work of being a congruent person. JOY. (That was sarcastic). It wasn’t a joy. It was awful. It meant that I had to allow true Allison to emerge. Truthfully, I’m really only just beginning to see her. It has taken THAT long. In order for me to be seen and heard I knew I would run the risk of agitating and potentially losing some people. I am naturally bent towards justice, fairness, truth almost in a political activist-ish way. Some of my friends refer to me as ‘Alli-G’ or ‘Leigh-Anne Tuohy’ (mother character from the film, The Blindside). Mainly because they know intuitively that if there is an elephant in the room, I am the one who is going to talk about it. I literally won’t ignore them. It just feels wrong. I’m learning the finesse of being gentle and picking my moments if its really something that needs addressing. It’s a process…. Anyway- I was faced with the reality that those I had to work to keep on my ‘bench’, probably weren’t truly on my bench, and I likewise wasn’t on theirs because I wasn’t being me. Dang. All. The. It.
To be clear, I AM NOT talking about disposing of people, like they are a tissue. Use ‘em and say hasta la vista baby. We should not discard people. People are the only thing in this life worth spending your time on. People (in my opinion) are the only things that are eternal, and add meaning and value to our lives. I LOVE people. People are my jam. I think it’s important to take notice of what people you are in relationship have to say, BUT, I don’t think we should listen to all of those voices. I think only a few should be given that position.
That being said, because of my former chameleon like nature, I had to learn how to be me. With some, it didn’t go so well. Company parted. I’ve learned that that’s okay. Also because I was new at honesty, I made the mistake of oversharing, and railroading people. They bolted. Also, I did mistakenly shelve people that I didn’t know what to do with. I avoided the awkward. (How congruent of me) I have since apologized for my chicken crap where I’ve needed to. I’ve learned that things get awkward as old friendships navigate new honesty, I’m learning to just let it be awkward. Not everyone is ready to be super open, and it’s not fair to have that expectation on other people. Friendships have a way of finding their rhythms.
As for my people that I allowed to have not only an opinion with regard to me, but a vote; I began to notice ones that saw me for me, as me, and loved me. I remember one of my closest friends point blank saying to me shortly after we met, (mainly because she has a lot of kids, as do I, and moms of many just don’t have time for games), ‘we are going to be really great friends, you are a kindred spirit and I don’t feel so alone. It’s relief to find you, and belly laugh with you.’ As I wandered into a different kind of realm relationally, and kind of finding me again/for the first time, and didn’t quite have people who ‘got me,’ It became those types of ones that I started to be vulnerable with. Opening up Pandora’s box with. Saying how I really felt, even if it was ugly, stupid, embarrassing. More often then not though, what I found was a ‘me too’ or a ‘same’ or a ‘I’m with you.’ I suddenly felt like I could put down my defenses and just be. I also noticed and more deeply have become aware of how there was one who had been on my bench all along, and probably hadn’t had the gratitude from me that was due (Mike). I know he is my husband, but is honestly my closest relationship, I’m grateful for his friendship and transparency.
All that being said, and through many, many Brene Brown books, podcasts, videos, and sessions with my personal therapist, I have narrowed my list of humans that I listen to, to be a very, very small number. I needed to do this for myself otherwise I found that if I were to listen to too many people’s voices, I would begin to drift away from myself. And my life goal is really just to return to who I really am. So I take heed of people’s advice, or votes, that point me back to who I really am, not who they need me to be in order to be accepted.
On my bench is a mixture of these types. Not intentionally, it’s just who I magnetized with. A rationalist-poet who is as grounded as they are deep and can somehow interpret most of my whims. A cardinal like leader who just knows right and wrong, is patient, full of love and wisdom. A path clearing, simplifier who is as strong as an ox and tender as a dove. A mentor mother, whose gentle voice pierces through my bullshit and gets right to the heart of the matter, a medically board certified advisor, my children and me.
I say my children, because if I don’t consider them, their feelings, their views, then I honestly don’t think I am giving them the honor that they deserve. They are young, not stupid. They are small, but brutally honest. I need their honesty as much as they need my mothering. I say me, because for forever I did not trust myself, and put my value and my fate in the hands of people and circumstances. Several years ago, I remember my friend sternly saying to me, ‘Stop giving your power away!’ I finally did. I’m better for it.
Landing this plane, I make it a deliberate point to give voting rights to those who lead me back to myself, and in a nutshell, have earned that right. They somehow see the full picture, or as full a picture as they can, of me. So far, their guidance, their votes haven’t led me away from myself but only back to myself. I think that’s important. I think that’s honest. There will always be an open seat on my bench. I don’t seek exclusivity, but I now at least have a mental criteria of what’s healthy for me and what isn’t. This is such a massive topic. To be continued, soon.
Love,
Allison xo
